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i'm swimming in a mirror;
[ tighnari plans most things in his life vary carefully, and his heat is no exception.
past years he has dealt with it alone, but past years he has also lived quite far from civilization, so the all-consuming desire to seek out a mate was easily quelled by the fact that there was simply no one suitable within a reasonable distance. it was maddeningly frustrating, but it worked. since moving to the city, however.. things have been more difficult. the first two years he'd managed to control himself, but as he ages his heats grow in strength and intensity, and the year previous he'd very nearly done something he knows he would have regretted - it started via a text, progressed to phone sex, and ended with tighnari at the foot of a stranger's door, so eager and hungry that he'd been prepared to throw himself at some nameless, faceless body he'd found on the internet in order to slake his impossible thirst. thankfully, once they'd answered the door, he'd gotten ahold of himself and declined, but it was a very narrow thing. casual sex simply isn't something that tighnari does. not with strangers.
which is exactly why he has a different plan, this year. he'd considered taking a vacation to somewhere distant again, to tough it out alone, but unfortunately that's simply not financially feasible at this juncture, so he'd had to give up on that idea. the next best thing, he'd thought, would be to simply.. find someone he trusts enough to spend his heat with, someone he knows well enough to admit his needs to, but not so well that it'd potentially ruin a long-standing relationship. collei was out of the question, she's always felt more like a sister to him. he'd considered cyno for awhile, but they've been so close for so long that tighnari couldn't bring himself to risk their relationship for something so fleeting. everyone else that he knows is a colleague, and that's entirely out of the question, he'd never be able to show his face in the akademiya again.
but aki.. aki fit the bill perfectly. he's certainly good looking. they don't work together, they're not as intimately close as he is with cyno, but close enough that tighnari trusts him, that he thinks that aki won't find it particularly weird or off-putting. this is a biological imperative, after all, it's not something that tighnari can control. even still, he'd been incredibly nervous to extend the offer.. having prepared for the worst, but finding himself instead surprised by the acceptance.
after that, all that was left was to take paid leave from work, and preparation. he'd spent two days cleaning his apartment and tending to his plants, as well as stocking up on plenty of snacks and sports drinks, fruits and granola bars and things that are easy to grab, that also provide good energy. he's premade his meals for the week and stocked them in the freezer, finished all of his laundry, and rearranged the living space, pushing the furniture toward the walls to build a comfortable nest of cushions and blankets in the middle of the room. finally, the night before he'd taken a long, luxurious bath to calm his nerves, and gone to sleep.
when he wakes, it's late into the night, moonlight streaming through the gauzy curtains pulled before the common room windows, and across the glass doors. he's hot all over, deeply uncomfortable, and so slick between the thighs that he's dampened his boxer briefs and sleeping shorts both. tighnari groans, rubbing both hands over his face. it's too early. aki isn't here yet, he's probably still asleep, but tighnari's body is positively aching all over, deep frustration setting into his bones. his scent is thick and cloying, sweet like honey and crisp like morning dew, and it permeates the space, making him dizzy. he thrusts a hand down the front of his shorts, rubbing his clit and fucking himself hard on his fingers, but it isn't enough, gods, it isn't enough. two unfulfilling orgasms later he's rolling onto his side and grabbing for his phone, typing out a hasty text, deleting it, typing it again. ]
Are you awake? Started early. Please.
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[ aki isn't wrong. having children is.. so much work, so much effort, there's so much to do, stretching ahead of them. tighnari's already begin making neat, detailed lists in his planner, but no matter what, he knows he won't be able to account for everything possible. ]
I -
[ he presses his lips together, then lifts his head again to turn and face aki more fully, his expression stern, but not severe. serious. ]
I don't want you to be with me just because we're going to have a child. That.. isn't right. Not for either of us, and not for the baby. I care about you, I want to be with you, but.. I need you to want it for you, not for me, not for anything else.
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What an unusual thought. Aki spends so little time thinking about what he wants - being self-sacrificial is in his nature, and that's why he hasn't asked Tighnari to be his boyfriend before now, either. He hadn't let himself truly consider it, beyond a passing whim.
But now...it is a possibility. An option he can consider, if he is no longer leading a life where he is in danger every single day. That...that alone is going to take some getting used to, and he has a lot to sort out. Eager as he is to reassure Tighnari of his feelings, he has a point. Rushing into it won't do either of them any favors.
At last, he nods. ]
Alright. Let me sort things out, and I'll take some time to think it over.
[ Even if he's all but sure what his answer will be. He needs to do things in their proper order. ]
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that aki wants this for himself is incredibly important - not only for the two of them, but for the child, too. tighnari's parents both loved one another very much, and it's important, he thinks, that they be together for the right reasons, that they set a good example. playing at feelings that aren't there would just be harmful.
even if tighnari can't help but think back to his heat.. to how close they had felt then, the intimate connection between them that seems to be inevitable, whenever they fall into one another's arms. tighnari is relatively assured of his own feelings for aki, but he needs to know that aki feels the same genuinely, that he's not simply trying to please him, but.. it seems that aki understands that, that he'll take this seriously.
sitting up a little straighter now, tighnari gently tugs their joined hands closer, settling their hands together over his belly. ]
I'll keep you informed.