i'm swimming in a mirror;

[veardant]

[ tighnari plans most things in his life vary carefully, and his heat is no exception.

past years he has dealt with it alone, but past years he has also lived quite far from civilization, so the all-consuming desire to seek out a mate was easily quelled by the fact that there was simply no one suitable within a reasonable distance. it was maddeningly frustrating, but it worked. since moving to the city, however.. things have been more difficult. the first two years he'd managed to control himself, but as he ages his heats grow in strength and intensity, and the year previous he'd very nearly done something he knows he would have regretted - it started via a text, progressed to phone sex, and ended with tighnari at the foot of a stranger's door, so eager and hungry that he'd been prepared to throw himself at some nameless, faceless body he'd found on the internet in order to slake his impossible thirst. thankfully, once they'd answered the door, he'd gotten ahold of himself and declined, but it was a very narrow thing. casual sex simply isn't something that tighnari does. not with strangers.

which is exactly why he has a different plan, this year. he'd considered taking a vacation to somewhere distant again, to tough it out alone, but unfortunately that's simply not financially feasible at this juncture, so he'd had to give up on that idea. the next best thing, he'd thought, would be to simply.. find someone he trusts enough to spend his heat with, someone he knows well enough to admit his needs to, but not so well that it'd potentially ruin a long-standing relationship. collei was out of the question, she's always felt more like a sister to him. he'd considered cyno for awhile, but they've been so close for so long that tighnari couldn't bring himself to risk their relationship for something so fleeting. everyone else that he knows is a colleague, and that's entirely out of the question, he'd never be able to show his face in the akademiya again.

but aki.. aki fit the bill perfectly. he's certainly good looking. they don't work together, they're not as intimately close as he is with cyno, but close enough that tighnari trusts him, that he thinks that aki won't find it particularly weird or off-putting. this is a biological imperative, after all, it's not something that tighnari can control. even still, he'd been incredibly nervous to extend the offer.. having prepared for the worst, but finding himself instead surprised by the acceptance.

after that, all that was left was to take paid leave from work, and preparation. he'd spent two days cleaning his apartment and tending to his plants, as well as stocking up on plenty of snacks and sports drinks, fruits and granola bars and things that are easy to grab, that also provide good energy. he's premade his meals for the week and stocked them in the freezer, finished all of his laundry, and rearranged the living space, pushing the furniture toward the walls to build a comfortable nest of cushions and blankets in the middle of the room. finally, the night before he'd taken a long, luxurious bath to calm his nerves, and gone to sleep.

when he wakes, it's late into the night, moonlight streaming through the gauzy curtains pulled before the common room windows, and across the glass doors. he's hot all over, deeply uncomfortable, and so slick between the thighs that he's dampened his boxer briefs and sleeping shorts both. tighnari groans, rubbing both hands over his face. it's too early. aki isn't here yet, he's probably still asleep, but tighnari's body is positively aching all over, deep frustration setting into his bones. his scent is thick and cloying, sweet like honey and crisp like morning dew, and it permeates the space, making him dizzy. he thrusts a hand down the front of his shorts, rubbing his clit and fucking himself hard on his fingers, but it isn't enough, gods, it isn't enough. two unfulfilling orgasms later he's rolling onto his side and grabbing for his phone, typing out a hasty text, deleting it, typing it again. ]

Are you awake? Started early. Please.

Comments

[unwinds]

[ Perhaps he had only meant in the sense of the week they'll be spending together...but Aki knows they are both playing at something far more serious here. That once this week is over, they will be able to so easily go back to being just friends. He wouldn't be satisfied being friends with benefits, either; he's never been good at avoiding attachment, and as good as the sex is, he knows his feelings will linger. That he wouldn't be able to turn them off if he tried.

So why try? Why try to resist the pull when they both know what they want?

Don't make promises you can't keep.

His gaze drops as he swallows, not quite able to meet Tighnari's discerning gaze, but not because he's ashamed to. There is simply...a lot on his mind, a lot of threads to work through. There is no simple answer to this, and he owes Tighnari his due consideration.

He...has never cared about someone like this before. He doesn't want to mess it up. ]

...I won't.

[ More than anything else, he does not want to hurt Tighnari. That has to inform every action he takes. But even if they remain friends, wouldn't it still hurt? If Aki were to die?

Is he just doomed to hurt the people he cares for the most? ]

[veardant]

[ why try, indeed..

..because aki is a devil hunter. because any day, any second he might get a knock on his door, the knock he's been dreading ever since cyno joined public safety. the news arriving that one of them is dead, that both of them are dead. it's why he hasn't taken cyno as a mate, either. for of course he would be devastated to learn that something had happened to either of them, as friends, but as a mate..

it's different. the tie between them would be broken, and tighnari would have to live with that hole in his heart forever, never healing, never refilled. valuka shuna have been known to take a second mate when something happens to the first, of course, but they never fully recover from that initial loss. he's seen it happen. he's too cautious to take that risk, no matter what his heart tells him.

still, gods it feels good to be held by him, to be surrounded by aki's scent, to listen to his gentle, deep voice right against tighnari's ear, to kiss him, and play at lovers, toy with the idea that this could be something real. however good it is, it feels unfair to the both of them, and distantly, tighnari thinks that he should put a stop to it now, right now, but would it be too late? has his heart already bloomed?

with a soft sigh, tighnari sinks deeper into the water, leaning his full weight back into aki's arms, nuzzling his nose and mouth against his throat, his ears folding gently back. both hands smooth atop aki's, weaving their fingers together. all he can do is allow himself to live in the moment. ]

[unwinds]

[ It feels so good that it's unfair, that it's almost cruel, to even flirt with the idea of being anything more. But for all his strength, all his will and tenacity, Aki cannot bear the idea of turning away from his feelings now. Of turning away from this moment.

It's all they can do to exist in it, and allow it to go on for as long as it can...but accept it when it ends, though it nearly cleaves his heart in two to consider it.

So he grasps Tighnari tightly in response, so very tightly, to feel his familiar, welcome warmth, the scent of his skin, the rhythm of his heart and his breathing. He tucks his chin over his lover's shoulder, tipping their temples together, letting his eyes fall shut.

How could something so good exist in a world full of so much pain and suffering? Is it worth it, to feel so warm, to feel love, only to know it will be lost, in the end?

It must be. It has to be. His heart could never stop loving, even if he tried, and oh, did he try. ]

[veardant]

[ nothing more is said, nothing more needs to be said, not now. they know what is in their hearts, this thing that thrums and throbs between them, powerful and warm, and they know the danger of it, the pain. but also.. the wonder, and the sweetness. tighnari tries to allow himself to focus only on that, right now, only on the pleasure of being together, for they will only have it for so long before this is all over.

so he lies against aki in silence for several long minutes, occasionally pressing kisses to his cheek and jaw, the thick pads of his fingers smoothing over aki's knuckles, gentle and soft, drawing idle patterns.

but soon enough tighnari is turning in his arms, sitting up and dipping his hands into the water, cupping some in his palms, and bringing it up to smooth it through aki's hair, dampening the dark strands. he does it again, and a third time, before he's snagging the shampoo and pouring a generous amount into his palm. it smells soft and floral, and comes in an unmarked bottle - tighnari has created it himself, of course, to be gentle on his hair and fur alike. ]

Here.

[ he murmurs, a soft smile on his lips as he begins working the shampoo into aki's hair, massaging his scalp, soft and soothing. ]

[unwinds]

[ When Tighnari shifts, Aki doesn't resist and hold him in place, though he could, if he wanted to. If Tighnari has decided that the moment has passed, and they should step out of this little piece of eternity, then so be it -

But rather than starting to clean himself, he turns to wet Aki's hair, and then work the shampoo into his hair with his delicate, careful touch. For a moment, Aki can only sit in awe, his eyes half-lidded as he relishes the sensation of Tighnari's slender fingers in his hair, scratching at his scalp, offering him the sort of tender care that has been missing from his life for so long. He's had the privilege of it more recently with all the time he's spent with Tighnari, but this is on another level completely.

It's so personal. So intimate. And with this touch, the last of Aki's walls come tumbling down, his reservations spent. He cracks, like a pane of glass, his features crumbling as tears well up in his eyes and spill freely forth, a sob racking his body.

It's all he can do now to just...let it out. ]

[veardant]

[ tighnari senses the tears even before they begin to fall. he hears aki's heartbeat speeding up, and all the soft little sounds that herald his tears, and it breaks tighnari's heart to see him dissolve like this.

and yet.. it's good for him. aki carries so much on his shoulders, and tighnari knows full well how it weighs on his heart - so few can work as a devil hunter while retaining their humanity as aki has, and it exacts a heavy toll on the soul. there's so much pain, so much death in this world, and aki feels every one keenly, his tender heart bleeding for those he could not save, and those who must go on without their loved ones. he tries to stay strong, to act as if he doesn't need the warm, soothing touch of a friend or lover, but..

he does need it. he needs it more than he's able to express, but tighnari understands without aki needing to say the words. a soft, pained sound moves in his throat, and tighnari is immediately gathering aki up into his arms, cradling his head to his chest, resting his chin atop aki's damp hair. ]

I'm here.

[ he whispers, softly, curling in close to aki's chest again, his legs folding up beneath him, one hand smoothing down aki's back. ]

[unwinds]

[ The effect Tighnari’s reassuring touch and voice has on him is two-fold, splitting his heart further and healing it in turn, and as Tighnari gathers him up, Aki slumps against him, leaning his brow into the crook of his shoulder, one palm resting against his chest, as he continues to sob, letting it all out, exhuming all the pain and suffering that lies in his soul. All he aches for the life he will never be able to live.

He stays like this for a long time, even as his tears and sobs begin to peter out, until he is sure that he has gotten it all out, that his soul is scrubbed raw of the hurt that plagues him so. ]

…Thank you. Thank you for being here. With me.

[ He’ll never be able to rightly express just how much he appreciates it, but he can try. Turning his head, he presses a soft kiss to the corner of Tighnari’s jaw, exhaling a shuddering breath against his cheek. ]

[veardant]

[ tighnari wants to tell him that it'll all be all right, that everything will work out, but of course, he cannot. he can't promise something that isn't true. aki plays with his life every single day, and tighnari does not foresee an ending to the bloodshed, to the loss and grief, any time soon. gods, what is he doing, tangling himself up with so many devil hunters? he might as well be driving a knife into his own heart.

but it's too late now. far too late. aki has carved out a place for himself in tighnari's soul, and there can be no refilling the space he now occupies. ]

You don't need to thank me.

[ he murmurs, nuzzling nose and mouth to aki's cheek, his jaw, while his fingers smooth back through aki's sudsy hair, slicking it back, pushing the soap out of it. slowly, softly, tighnari begins to purr, the sound warm and gentle and hopefully soothing, as he presses soft kisses to his lover's skin, and offers kitten licks to the lobe of his ear, his purr rumbling through his words. ]

But you're welcome.

[ tighnari's words are a whisper, as he reaches for the soap, lathering up a cloth to begin gently cleaning aki's body, scrubbing his shoulders and back. ]

[unwinds]

[ Of course he needs to thank him, but it's not surprise that Tighnari insists that he doesn't need to. Normally, Aki would protest to being taken care of so thoroughly like this, as he is so often the caretaker, the one bearing the weight - but that isn't the case right now. Not with Tighnari. He simply lets his eyes fall shut to better appreciate his ministrations, the soft rumble of his purr, his kisses and tongue and hands, all scrubbing away not only at his body, but at his heart, too, at the corrosive infection that has festered there.

It washes away, leaving him feeling scoured and new, even as Tighnari continues to wash him, and soft, wistful sigh escaping. Words sit on his tongue, just behind his teeth, that he aches to say - but he can't. He knows he can't.

He's already said them with his heart and soul and body, anyway.

As Tighnari continues his work, Aki lifts one hand to one of his ears, rubbing gently, will the other reaches for his tail, scratching gently at its sensitive base. ]

[veardant]

[ it's a quiet chain of moments, as tighnari washes aki, grooming him as he would a mate, purring and humming and fussing gently over him. he scrubs everywhere he can easily reach, clearing away the sweat and grime of their lovemaking, carefully pouring water through aki's hair until it runs clean beneath his fingers.

he feels it, too, that pull. the words left unspoken, yet said so clearly by their minds and hearts and bodies, words that tighnari is afraid of, that he doesn't want to give voice to, no matter how real they feel in this moment. will it all burn away when his heat has passed..?

the more time passes, the more he thinks that it will not, that aki has nestled himself deep into tighnari's heart, a place from which he will not budge. tighnari swallows thickly, though he's calmed and soothed by the fingers at his ear, moving over sensitive skin, urging a soft plaintive sound from him, his eyelids fluttering closed. with aki now clean, tighnari shifts again, returning to his previous place with his back pressed to aki's chest, taking his free hand to tug aki's arm around his abdomen, his head pressing into the touch of those fingers. ]