veardant | i'm swimming in a mirror;

i'm swimming in a mirror;

[ tighnari plans most things in his life vary carefully, and his heat is no exception.

past years he has dealt with it alone, but past years he has also lived quite far from civilization, so the all-consuming desire to seek out a mate was easily quelled by the fact that there was simply no one suitable within a reasonable distance. it was maddeningly frustrating, but it worked. since moving to the city, however.. things have been more difficult. the first two years he'd managed to control himself, but as he ages his heats grow in strength and intensity, and the year previous he'd very nearly done something he knows he would have regretted - it started via a text, progressed to phone sex, and ended with tighnari at the foot of a stranger's door, so eager and hungry that he'd been prepared to throw himself at some nameless, faceless body he'd found on the internet in order to slake his impossible thirst. thankfully, once they'd answered the door, he'd gotten ahold of himself and declined, but it was a very narrow thing. casual sex simply isn't something that tighnari does. not with strangers.

which is exactly why he has a different plan, this year. he'd considered taking a vacation to somewhere distant again, to tough it out alone, but unfortunately that's simply not financially feasible at this juncture, so he'd had to give up on that idea. the next best thing, he'd thought, would be to simply.. find someone he trusts enough to spend his heat with, someone he knows well enough to admit his needs to, but not so well that it'd potentially ruin a long-standing relationship. collei was out of the question, she's always felt more like a sister to him. he'd considered cyno for awhile, but they've been so close for so long that tighnari couldn't bring himself to risk their relationship for something so fleeting. everyone else that he knows is a colleague, and that's entirely out of the question, he'd never be able to show his face in the akademiya again.

but aki.. aki fit the bill perfectly. he's certainly good looking. they don't work together, they're not as intimately close as he is with cyno, but close enough that tighnari trusts him, that he thinks that aki won't find it particularly weird or off-putting. this is a biological imperative, after all, it's not something that tighnari can control. even still, he'd been incredibly nervous to extend the offer.. having prepared for the worst, but finding himself instead surprised by the acceptance.

after that, all that was left was to take paid leave from work, and preparation. he'd spent two days cleaning his apartment and tending to his plants, as well as stocking up on plenty of snacks and sports drinks, fruits and granola bars and things that are easy to grab, that also provide good energy. he's premade his meals for the week and stocked them in the freezer, finished all of his laundry, and rearranged the living space, pushing the furniture toward the walls to build a comfortable nest of cushions and blankets in the middle of the room. finally, the night before he'd taken a long, luxurious bath to calm his nerves, and gone to sleep.

when he wakes, it's late into the night, moonlight streaming through the gauzy curtains pulled before the common room windows, and across the glass doors. he's hot all over, deeply uncomfortable, and so slick between the thighs that he's dampened his boxer briefs and sleeping shorts both. tighnari groans, rubbing both hands over his face. it's too early. aki isn't here yet, he's probably still asleep, but tighnari's body is positively aching all over, deep frustration setting into his bones. his scent is thick and cloying, sweet like honey and crisp like morning dew, and it permeates the space, making him dizzy. he thrusts a hand down the front of his shorts, rubbing his clit and fucking himself hard on his fingers, but it isn't enough, gods, it isn't enough. two unfulfilling orgasms later he's rolling onto his side and grabbing for his phone, typing out a hasty text, deleting it, typing it again. ]

Are you awake? Started early. Please.

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Mm.. just.. a minute..

[ tighnari hums, still catching his breath, still searching for words, and how to string them together. he's quite sure he's never felt so disoriented in his life. well.. not counting the, ahem, mushroom incidents.

aki's fingertips brush his face so gently, and tighnari breathes a shaky exhale, turning his face against them, brushing each fingertip with his lips. he's sticky with sweat and slick and aki's come, his dark hair clinging to his forehead and neck, his skin dewy, slippery - they could absolutely use a shower, but tighnari's not sure his legs would keep him upright right now, they feel like jelly, trembling and numb.

with his arms tight around aki's neck, tighnari nuzzles along his jaw, down his throat, laving at the spot on aki's shoulder where a scent gland would be, his teeth grazing gently. it's difficult, so difficult to resist the urge to bite down. this is far more dangerous than tighnari has expected it would be. ]

Mm.. okay. [ he murmurs, after a moment, still dragging his mouth against aki's shoulder. ] Let's go.

[ A shiver runs down Aki's spine when Tighnari catches the flesh of his neck in his teeth. He understands now, the instinct behind it, and he isn't sure how it should make him feel, but it feels...wonderful. That when he is at his most primal, Tighnari would choose him as a mate, even for what a risk it is.

But of course, he has no gland there to seal their bond, and he has resisted the urge to bite Tighnari's neck even where he knows it's safe, just in case. After a few moments longer to allow themselves both the chance to settle back into their own flesh and bone, Aki nods, adjusting himself so he can sling an arm beneath Tighnari's knees, the other around his shoulders. ]

Alright.

[ Hopefully Tighnari won't feel too incensed by a princess carry, because that's what's happening, as long as he doesn't fight it. It's the least Aki can do, after fucking him so relentlessly. He owes him some tender aftercare in a nice, warm bath.

As he rises on sore, weary legs, Aki presses a soft, almost reverent kiss to Tighnari's temple, inhaling the scent of his sweat and skin. ]

[ oh.. princess carry.

tighnari's first instinct is to balk and complain, but in the moment it actually feels.. quite nice, to be carried. to be taken care of. were he not in his heat, tighnari would likely put up more of a fight, but for now he only looks momentarily surprised, before he's looping his arms around aki's shoulders.

this way, at least, he's given full access to aki. tighnari leans his head in, purring low in his chest as he nuzzles his nose and mouth to aki's jaw, dragging kisses along its slope, and against the sensitive space just below his ear. breathing against it, tighnari's soon nibbling at its shell, purring right against his ear, rubbing his cheek hard against aki's jaw and cheek and ear, inhaling his scent. it's entirely unnecessary, but tighnari's finished holding himself back, he doesn't have it in him to keep his heart in check. this is a problem for future tighnari.

once they reach the bathroom and he's set down on his feet again, tighnari wobbles in place, reaching for the towel bar to balance himself, slick and come both streaking down his damp thighs. he's an absolute mess, and aki isn't much better. while the bath begins to fill, he cleans away the worst of it with a small towel, so they're not just soaking in their own filth soup. ]

[ God, his attentions are distracting, and more than once over the short trip to the bathroom, Aki is tempted to stop where he is and kiss Tighnari in return. But as it stands, he'll content himself with the feel of his mouth against his skin and the sound of his delicate purr. Scarcely a few days ago, he wouldn't have been able to imagine such affections from someone like Tighnari, but now, it feels as natural as breathing.

As the tub fills, Aki tugs another towel from the linen they've stockpiled, though they are...running lower than expected. They've, uh, needed to do quite a lot of clean-up. He makes a mental note to do a load of laundry for them later. The blankets in their nest will surely need a wash, too --

Somewhat cleaner, he tosses the towel into the hamper, before stepping up to Tighnari, sliding his arms around his waist and pressing fully to him, warm skin gliding against warm skin.

He doesn't say anything. Only meets his partner's gaze and exhales, slow and even. ]

[ they.. absolutely need to do laundry, yes, no question about it. tighnari hasn't dirtied too much clothing, considering he's removed it far more quickly than he could make a mess of it, most of these days, but they've gone through plenty of towels, sheets, and blankets. even more now that he's smack in the middle of his heat, needy nearly every hour or two, ready to go until bedtime, when they collapse from exhaustion, and raring again in the morning.

it's been so tiring. tiring, but.. so, so satisfying. still, tighnari is sure he's going to want to sleep for a full week after all of this.

aki steps closer, and tighnari leans into him immediately; they're drawn together like magnets, pressed close, and the nearness is gratifying. his arms coil around aki's broad shoulders, pulling him down so tighnari can kiss him properly, warm on the mouth, lips parting, one hand slipping up into aki's dark hair. he looks so good with it down, loose and wild around his handsome face, and tighnari loves the silky feel of it beneath his padded fingers and palm.

for all this week has brought them closer, they've still maintained something of a distance - even if that gap has been growing more and more narrow with every passing day. they've yet to bathe or shower together, unwilling to cross that line into new intimacy, but as tighnari steps back to set one foot into the warm water, he's pulling aki with him. ]

[ For all that gap has been narrowing, yes, Aki is still surprised when Tighnari steps back to lead him towards the bath, though that's also due to how distracted his by the feeling of Tighnari's fingers in his hair, and his skin against his own. Just being touched by him is fulfilling, distracting, and as soon as he's drawing away, he misses the warmth of his presence. Even if Tighnari hadn't pulled him along with him, making his wishes clear, Aki would've been hard-pressed not to follow him to the tub.

Wordlessly, he steps into the water with Tighnari, he gaze gentle and soft, far softer than it so often is, with his usual guarded nature. His hands still in the other's, he folds down into the tub, allowing his long legs to split around Tighnari's waste as he leans back into the heat.

A positively indecent sound slips out of him and he relaxes into the water, his eyes fluttering closed. ]

That's nice...

[ Nice, and cozy. The tub doesn't feel overly full, even with presence of both of them there. They fit perfectly together. ]

[ aki comes with him, stepping into the water as well, and tighnari is glad for it, a soft smile curving his mouth. he's going to have so much to think about, in the future. so much to consider, and unravel. but for now, all he wants is to keep close to aki, to be near him.

together they drop down into the water, folding up together, tighnari comfortably settled between aki's thighs, leaning back against his chest. immediately, tighnari goes boneless, sinking back into aki's arms with a soft sigh, his eyelids dropping low. the hot water feels wonderful against his aching muscles and bones, and tighnari begins to relax, having hardly realized how sore he was until he settled into this bath. ]

Mmhmm..

[ he hums, fitting his head comfortably back into the crook of aki's shoulder, nuzzling his jaw. the tub isn't enormous by any means, but it's just big enough to cradle them both comfortably. lifting one hand from the water, tighnari smooths his palm along aki's cheek and jaw, gently turning his head toward his own so he can press soft kisses to his mouth. tighnari's behavior gives away so much, but he can no longer bring himself to care. they'll work it out. they'll figure a way through this. but until this week is over, tighnari isn't letting go. ]

[ They've both reached that point, where their walls have come down fully, with no intention of being put back up until the week is over. Hell, even then, Aki will be hard-pressed to; once he has let someone into his highly-guarded heart, they are not so easily expelled. He is no fool, and realizes things will no doubt change when Tighnari's heat is over, but on his end, at least, the feelings are sure to persist.

And he'll deal with that when they come to it. For now, he basks in the sensation of Tighnari pressed fully to his front, winding his arms around his middle, tight and secure as they kiss, slow and sensual, Aki working open Tighnari's lips with his tongue and dipping into the flavor of his mouth.

This is nice. His life is full of so many terrible, harrowing things, that he must appreciate the sweet, quiet moments like these all the more for them.

He could get used to this, which is perhaps the most dangerous thought of all. ]

[ the kiss is deep, slow and sweet in a way that makes tighnari shiver, aki's tongue snaking against his own, earning a soft, plaintive noise. it would be easy to warm himself up again with this kiss, but right now, tighnari just wants to enjoy it for what it is, to enjoy kissing aki for the sake of kissing him.

so many thoughts and words are bubbling up in his chest. tighnari is pragmatic, realistic, he wants to talk this through like two adults, to set boundaries - but they've shattered their boundaries now, haven't they? they've broken right through them. turned them to dust. tighnari banishes them with his hand in aki's hair, with his mouth falling open to accept the touch of aki's tongue, with the sweet, soft sounds he makes against aki's lips. they break apart, but remain close, breathing one another's air, lips touching, soft and yielding. ]

Aki, you..

[ he murmurs, nudging his nose alongside aki's, his padded fingertips dragging down from his hair, against his ear, and his jaw. tighnari inhales, pressing back against him a little harder, his shoulderblades pushing into aki's chest. ]

I'm glad it was you. I'm glad you're here.

[ It's an excellent kiss, one that makes Aki's blood simmer with quiet heat, but demands nothing more, and after the intensity of their most recent union, it's exactly what he needs. These quiet, warm, sweet kisses, the pressure and taste of Tighnari's mouth and tongue that he's grown so dangerously fond of. He tastes good. He tastes familiar. Even should they never kiss again, Aki is certain he will never forget his flavor.

I'm glad it was you. I'm glad you're here.

Those words make the warmth bubbling in his chest swell to almost a dangerous point, emotion rising up into his throat, his grasp around Tighnari's waste tightening as he leans his head into his touch. To belong somewhere, to belong with a partner, with someone to care for and to care for him in return -

It's what he's always wanted. Of course it is. How could it be anything else? ]

Me, too. I'll stay as long as you need.

[ Tighnari is free to interpret that however he wishes. ]

[ tighnari himself.. he's always imagined that he would someday find a partner, a mate. that there'd be a union in his future, and perhaps children, seemed a foregone conclusion, but he's never been in any rush to find it, to make it happen and force it into being. better to wait for it to coalesce on its own.

and now, here's aki, aki's warm arms, his tender kiss, his gentle hands. he's been a strong, steadfast presence in tighnari's life since the day they met. he's kind, kinder than he rightly should be, given his past, given what he has gone through - he's sweet and strong, he's devoted.. and these past several days he's only proven that devotion, that strength, proven that he has everything it takes to be a worthy partner, a worthy friend, a worthy lover.

and yet. and yet. he's a devil hunter, and that makes all the difference.

the reality of it twists like a knife in his chest, and tighnari closes his eyes. ]

Will you?

[ he asks, in a voice gone soft, and quiet. his hands in aki's hair still, and his gaze lifts to aki's profile. ]

Don't.. make promises you can't keep.

[ Perhaps he had only meant in the sense of the week they'll be spending together...but Aki knows they are both playing at something far more serious here. That once this week is over, they will be able to so easily go back to being just friends. He wouldn't be satisfied being friends with benefits, either; he's never been good at avoiding attachment, and as good as the sex is, he knows his feelings will linger. That he wouldn't be able to turn them off if he tried.

So why try? Why try to resist the pull when they both know what they want?

Don't make promises you can't keep.

His gaze drops as he swallows, not quite able to meet Tighnari's discerning gaze, but not because he's ashamed to. There is simply...a lot on his mind, a lot of threads to work through. There is no simple answer to this, and he owes Tighnari his due consideration.

He...has never cared about someone like this before. He doesn't want to mess it up. ]

...I won't.

[ More than anything else, he does not want to hurt Tighnari. That has to inform every action he takes. But even if they remain friends, wouldn't it still hurt? If Aki were to die?

Is he just doomed to hurt the people he cares for the most? ]

[ why try, indeed..

..because aki is a devil hunter. because any day, any second he might get a knock on his door, the knock he's been dreading ever since cyno joined public safety. the news arriving that one of them is dead, that both of them are dead. it's why he hasn't taken cyno as a mate, either. for of course he would be devastated to learn that something had happened to either of them, as friends, but as a mate..

it's different. the tie between them would be broken, and tighnari would have to live with that hole in his heart forever, never healing, never refilled. valuka shuna have been known to take a second mate when something happens to the first, of course, but they never fully recover from that initial loss. he's seen it happen. he's too cautious to take that risk, no matter what his heart tells him.

still, gods it feels good to be held by him, to be surrounded by aki's scent, to listen to his gentle, deep voice right against tighnari's ear, to kiss him, and play at lovers, toy with the idea that this could be something real. however good it is, it feels unfair to the both of them, and distantly, tighnari thinks that he should put a stop to it now, right now, but would it be too late? has his heart already bloomed?

with a soft sigh, tighnari sinks deeper into the water, leaning his full weight back into aki's arms, nuzzling his nose and mouth against his throat, his ears folding gently back. both hands smooth atop aki's, weaving their fingers together. all he can do is allow himself to live in the moment. ]

[ It feels so good that it's unfair, that it's almost cruel, to even flirt with the idea of being anything more. But for all his strength, all his will and tenacity, Aki cannot bear the idea of turning away from his feelings now. Of turning away from this moment.

It's all they can do to exist in it, and allow it to go on for as long as it can...but accept it when it ends, though it nearly cleaves his heart in two to consider it.

So he grasps Tighnari tightly in response, so very tightly, to feel his familiar, welcome warmth, the scent of his skin, the rhythm of his heart and his breathing. He tucks his chin over his lover's shoulder, tipping their temples together, letting his eyes fall shut.

How could something so good exist in a world full of so much pain and suffering? Is it worth it, to feel so warm, to feel love, only to know it will be lost, in the end?

It must be. It has to be. His heart could never stop loving, even if he tried, and oh, did he try. ]

[ nothing more is said, nothing more needs to be said, not now. they know what is in their hearts, this thing that thrums and throbs between them, powerful and warm, and they know the danger of it, the pain. but also.. the wonder, and the sweetness. tighnari tries to allow himself to focus only on that, right now, only on the pleasure of being together, for they will only have it for so long before this is all over.

so he lies against aki in silence for several long minutes, occasionally pressing kisses to his cheek and jaw, the thick pads of his fingers smoothing over aki's knuckles, gentle and soft, drawing idle patterns.

but soon enough tighnari is turning in his arms, sitting up and dipping his hands into the water, cupping some in his palms, and bringing it up to smooth it through aki's hair, dampening the dark strands. he does it again, and a third time, before he's snagging the shampoo and pouring a generous amount into his palm. it smells soft and floral, and comes in an unmarked bottle - tighnari has created it himself, of course, to be gentle on his hair and fur alike. ]

Here.

[ he murmurs, a soft smile on his lips as he begins working the shampoo into aki's hair, massaging his scalp, soft and soothing. ]

[ When Tighnari shifts, Aki doesn't resist and hold him in place, though he could, if he wanted to. If Tighnari has decided that the moment has passed, and they should step out of this little piece of eternity, then so be it -

But rather than starting to clean himself, he turns to wet Aki's hair, and then work the shampoo into his hair with his delicate, careful touch. For a moment, Aki can only sit in awe, his eyes half-lidded as he relishes the sensation of Tighnari's slender fingers in his hair, scratching at his scalp, offering him the sort of tender care that has been missing from his life for so long. He's had the privilege of it more recently with all the time he's spent with Tighnari, but this is on another level completely.

It's so personal. So intimate. And with this touch, the last of Aki's walls come tumbling down, his reservations spent. He cracks, like a pane of glass, his features crumbling as tears well up in his eyes and spill freely forth, a sob racking his body.

It's all he can do now to just...let it out. ]

[ tighnari senses the tears even before they begin to fall. he hears aki's heartbeat speeding up, and all the soft little sounds that herald his tears, and it breaks tighnari's heart to see him dissolve like this.

and yet.. it's good for him. aki carries so much on his shoulders, and tighnari knows full well how it weighs on his heart - so few can work as a devil hunter while retaining their humanity as aki has, and it exacts a heavy toll on the soul. there's so much pain, so much death in this world, and aki feels every one keenly, his tender heart bleeding for those he could not save, and those who must go on without their loved ones. he tries to stay strong, to act as if he doesn't need the warm, soothing touch of a friend or lover, but..

he does need it. he needs it more than he's able to express, but tighnari understands without aki needing to say the words. a soft, pained sound moves in his throat, and tighnari is immediately gathering aki up into his arms, cradling his head to his chest, resting his chin atop aki's damp hair. ]

I'm here.

[ he whispers, softly, curling in close to aki's chest again, his legs folding up beneath him, one hand smoothing down aki's back. ]

[ The effect Tighnari’s reassuring touch and voice has on him is two-fold, splitting his heart further and healing it in turn, and as Tighnari gathers him up, Aki slumps against him, leaning his brow into the crook of his shoulder, one palm resting against his chest, as he continues to sob, letting it all out, exhuming all the pain and suffering that lies in his soul. All he aches for the life he will never be able to live.

He stays like this for a long time, even as his tears and sobs begin to peter out, until he is sure that he has gotten it all out, that his soul is scrubbed raw of the hurt that plagues him so. ]

…Thank you. Thank you for being here. With me.

[ He’ll never be able to rightly express just how much he appreciates it, but he can try. Turning his head, he presses a soft kiss to the corner of Tighnari’s jaw, exhaling a shuddering breath against his cheek. ]

[ tighnari wants to tell him that it'll all be all right, that everything will work out, but of course, he cannot. he can't promise something that isn't true. aki plays with his life every single day, and tighnari does not foresee an ending to the bloodshed, to the loss and grief, any time soon. gods, what is he doing, tangling himself up with so many devil hunters? he might as well be driving a knife into his own heart.

but it's too late now. far too late. aki has carved out a place for himself in tighnari's soul, and there can be no refilling the space he now occupies. ]

You don't need to thank me.

[ he murmurs, nuzzling nose and mouth to aki's cheek, his jaw, while his fingers smooth back through aki's sudsy hair, slicking it back, pushing the soap out of it. slowly, softly, tighnari begins to purr, the sound warm and gentle and hopefully soothing, as he presses soft kisses to his lover's skin, and offers kitten licks to the lobe of his ear, his purr rumbling through his words. ]

But you're welcome.

[ tighnari's words are a whisper, as he reaches for the soap, lathering up a cloth to begin gently cleaning aki's body, scrubbing his shoulders and back. ]

[ Of course he needs to thank him, but it's not surprise that Tighnari insists that he doesn't need to. Normally, Aki would protest to being taken care of so thoroughly like this, as he is so often the caretaker, the one bearing the weight - but that isn't the case right now. Not with Tighnari. He simply lets his eyes fall shut to better appreciate his ministrations, the soft rumble of his purr, his kisses and tongue and hands, all scrubbing away not only at his body, but at his heart, too, at the corrosive infection that has festered there.

It washes away, leaving him feeling scoured and new, even as Tighnari continues to wash him, and soft, wistful sigh escaping. Words sit on his tongue, just behind his teeth, that he aches to say - but he can't. He knows he can't.

He's already said them with his heart and soul and body, anyway.

As Tighnari continues his work, Aki lifts one hand to one of his ears, rubbing gently, will the other reaches for his tail, scratching gently at its sensitive base. ]

[ it's a quiet chain of moments, as tighnari washes aki, grooming him as he would a mate, purring and humming and fussing gently over him. he scrubs everywhere he can easily reach, clearing away the sweat and grime of their lovemaking, carefully pouring water through aki's hair until it runs clean beneath his fingers.

he feels it, too, that pull. the words left unspoken, yet said so clearly by their minds and hearts and bodies, words that tighnari is afraid of, that he doesn't want to give voice to, no matter how real they feel in this moment. will it all burn away when his heat has passed..?

the more time passes, the more he thinks that it will not, that aki has nestled himself deep into tighnari's heart, a place from which he will not budge. tighnari swallows thickly, though he's calmed and soothed by the fingers at his ear, moving over sensitive skin, urging a soft plaintive sound from him, his eyelids fluttering closed. with aki now clean, tighnari shifts again, returning to his previous place with his back pressed to aki's chest, taking his free hand to tug aki's arm around his abdomen, his head pressing into the touch of those fingers. ]

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i'm swimming in a mirror;

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